You are always there

Looking back the past 6 months which flew by so quickly, I cannot help but see God's hands throughout my entire stay in Johannesburg, South Africa. I could still remember the palpitations I had on my flight in from Singapore, questioning my decision to do a trauma fellowship here. Had I known what I do know now, I would not have worried one bit! However, hindsight is always 6/6, I believe that I needed to embark on this journey myself to learn the many lessons God has intended for me.

I am particularly thankful for my partner in crime, Susumu Matsushime, a trauma surgeon and intensivist from Japan. We started our fellowships on the exact same day, and it really helps having someone around to figure things out with. On top of working together, we frequently meet up for meals to unwind; we even set up a foodie group to enjoy good food with other fellow international doctors! I will always cherish the many trips we took together to explore the other parts of South Africa, and doing crazy things like climbing 2 mountains in a day! Thank you, brother Susumu.

I am also thankful for God's blood of protection over me throughout my time here. I am thankful that I completed by training safely and without harm. I am also thankful for Dr Alan Peter who runs a hostel for medical students and professionals. He gave me home in a foreign land, and a family and community to lean on. I strongly recommend his accommodation should one ever consider coming to do an elective or fellowship in Johannesburg. Thinking back, the worst experience I had here were the 4 times I was pulled over for traffic related offences, but that is another story for another time...

In 1 Corinthians 10:13, the Bible says: "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." I always believed that God will never challenge you beyond that which you can bear, and in my time here I intensely felt that He was in control of my training. 

Let me start off by saying that I have never ever worked so hard before in my life prior to my fellowship in Chris Hani Baragwanath Academic Hospital's trauma unit. My residency training was known to be brutal locally, but it was nothing compared to what I experienced in my first 2 months in Bara! In my first week, I was acutely shocked at the amount of violence there was in this place as the patients who presented to us with their injuries were a direct reflection of what is happening out there. I even found myself questioning whether I was in the middle of a war zone on a few occasions. However, once I got used to the injury patterns, it became like factory work. Whenever a patient presented, we had an efficient system to triage, resuscitate and manage their injuries. As I progressed in my fellowship, I was made to take more responsibility, and with it more operative experience. By the time I was in my last week there, I had ticked off all my checkboxes apart from cardiac stab injuries. I had resuscitated and stabilised them during my time here, but I have never operated on one before.

On my last call, I had Susumu as my registrar. It was so serendipitous that I started and ended this fellowship with him! That night, I remembered telling him that all I lacked in surgical experience here was operating on a stabbed heart, but that I was very appreciative for all the other amazing skills I have picked up, from vascular repairs to thoracotomies. We had 2 stabbed hearts that night, and I did my first and second median sternotomies to repair their cardiac injuries. I believe this is not down to chance, but divine appointment.

I am very grateful to all my mentors and colleagues in CHBAH trauma unit, and I will definitely be back to do calls and learn more from all of you! Thank you, South Africa, for being a part of my life's experiences; this is one that I will hold very dear to my heart forever.

6-monthly reflection 2

This week long annual leave came at a rather apt time. This was my first break in 2019 (not counting the 5 days taken for the exit MCQs). Among the many things jostling for my attention, one stood out the most - my journey in becoming a surgeon.

As to when exactly did I begin to become numb to my work I cannot remember, but I would place the period sometime after my KTPH posting. It was only recently that I realised I do not recognise this person I have become. I was just going through the motion of work, the flame was gone; I was just an outer shell, not unlike a machine.

WHO has now defined burnout in its latest edition of the ICD-11 as “a syndrome conceptualised as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed.” The syndrome was characterised by:

1.       Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion

2.       Increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job

3.       Reduced professional efficacy

I came across the above while reading some articles about depersonalisation. Reading it felt like I was reading about myself, every word rang true and it was scary. I have always been a very private person, choosing to sort things out on my own rather than seek help. Understandably, I do not believe in counselling - that process was for people who are weak. I cannot be more wrong.

This time away from work, albeit short, has kickstarted in me a process. I have sought help from a Christian counsellor, met up with a lifecoach and very roughly made plans for the next 6-months of 2019. I believe when you are at your lowest point, the only way is up. I have to alter my trajectory if I wish to continue on my journey to become a surgeon.  

“Do you still want to become a surgeon?”

I recently read Atul Gawande’s Complications, the chapter ‘when good doctors go bad’ stood out especially to me. I am sure that if I do not do something about my situation, I might end up harming patients like Dr Hank Goodman. I appreciate that there is a system in place to address this behaviour before it spirals out of control or before someone gets harmed.

The answer to the question above is: “YES”, and I will and must bring about change that is sustainable which will see me through the rest of my career. I am looking forward with fear of the unknown but filled with hope that something good will come out of this. That I am sure of, in the end, it will be OK.

6-monthly reflection 1

Hearing the news felt surreal. I was not surprised as I had already prepared for the worst. It was also the only obvious outcome when I found out that my meeting was scheduled forward. In that instant, I felt an immense sense of injustice. I had completed all the milestones required for progression but I was held back by those 4-months in KTPH.

That posting coincided with the darkest days in my short life thus far. I only managed to trawl myself out of it a few months after. I did not feel a need to share this with anybody and perhaps that was why it seemed like I was ‘out of sorts’ by many during that period. I am not trying to find myself any excuses to pin all of this to, but perhaps the only shortcoming I had was the way I handled it all. I feel that the assessment that I am perhaps still a little too immature for progression is probably not too far off. I am just disappointed in myself, and this feeling had made me a little sore.

For the next few weeks, I allowed myself to let the gravity of being retained sink in. I refused to reflect on the situation and pondered alternative outcomes based on the various choices I could make. It did not help that one of my fellow colleague shared that he was quitting. I allowed myself to entertain the idea of leaving all this behind and just call it quits. I harboured the thought of taking an extended break from work to ‘rejuvenate’ myself and coming back stronger. I told myself I was jaded from work; I was burnt out. I told myself that I could not push on, not in such circumstance.

One thing that any endurance athlete can tell you is ‘mind over body’. I have had personal experiences participating in Ironman Triathlons to know that it is when you reach a nadir in the race that you experience your second wind. You get into a sort of trance state where just a moment ago you wished you were relaxing on your couch. Your body goes into auto-pilot and you just carry on like you were possessed. The thing is, you have to reach that state of absolute suffering in order to experience such liberation. The mind is a powerful thing.

Thinking back, I was acting like a spoilt brat. My mind was weak and it ended up telling me that it was not possible; that this retention was the end. I allowed myself to believe that this was pervasive and permanent. I just cannot deal with failure. My life up until that moment has been pretty smooth sailing. I do not think that I have ever learnt to fail, to pick myself up and go again, to become stronger. I have been blessed and it has made me take many things for granted. This was my wake up call. This is God giving me a life lesson to learn from.

1 Corinthians 10:13 says: ‘No temptation/testing has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted/tested beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted/tested, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.’

I now take this in my stride. I will use this opportunity to build myself from the ground up, to gain more experience, to become a better person, doctor, surgeon, son, husband, and father. The one thing that has prevented me from taking the easy way out of this situation is my son. Having grown up without a father, I am still grappling with learning how to be a man, a father. I cannot fathom a day where my son comes to me for advice in life and I would be none the wiser. Passing up this chance for growth will then become a life-long regret.

The race is long and 6-months is nothing much compared to the grand scheme of things. I will focus on the bigger picture and continue on even when it seems so tough and that I cannot possibly go on. Then and only then will I experience my second wind, my breakthrough and see the light at the end of the finish line.

Hope, Courage & Faith

3rd February 2014 
'Are you coming back tomorrow?' asked one patient as we made our way towards the entrance of the hospital at the end of a long day. Around her, many other patients lie waiting expectantly in their beds for their operation. Some have been waiting since 30th January 2014. 

Nil by mouth, wait, feed; nil by mouth, wait, feed. The demoralising cycle repeated for some patients. 

'Yes we are', I replied with a smile. 'We will be here tomorrow first thing in the morning.' A wave of relief swept across her face. 

'Thank you so much.' Mustering whatever energy she had left against the weight of her goitre, she flashed a megawatt smile. Hope. A very dangerous concept, but what more can these patients do apart from that. It pains me to even imagine... 

It was the end of Day 4 of our time here at the surgical mission. Many were extremely exhausted by now; the 8am-1am routine was not readily tolerated. Furthermore, due to many complicated cases, operations took longer than planned and many scheduled cases were postponed. The list looks much more insurmountable than ever before. Surgeons, anaesthetists and scrubs nurses were functioning from their reserves. 

4th February 2014 - Last day
The inevitable happened. The list was truncated. Patients who came from afar were given priority, the rest were turned away to wait for the next mission. 

'Please swallow.' I proceeded to examine a patient's goitre before he was being put to sleep. Putting myself in his shoes, I was amazed at the amount of courage and faith he needed to have to be here. For some stranger to put you to sleep, to oblivion; for another stranger to explore your neck, where the great vessels lie, in order to remove a lump that has been with you for the greater part of your life. Trust. That is what patients do with their lives, placing it in our hands. 

Today, standing over that patient, I was reminded of the sacredness of our profession. Many times, a patient gets reduced to his or her diagnosis. Sebaceous cyst, lipoma, goitre. We zoom in on the problem and miss the big picture. I am guilty of that sometimes. I find this especially important in the field of Surgery where proficiency is often sought after by performing yet another sebaceous cyst, lipoma or goitre. We become fixated on the diagnosis than the patient. 

Perfection. The art of Surgery is the constant repetition of a skill until that is attained. You owe it to your patients to be perfect, to be the best version of yourself - that is a constant process. 

To be able to put one's hands to work where they are sorely needed is a blessing. You succinctly brought across what I felt. Indeed, it is a blessing to be able to bless others. I am blessed by the patients I encountered through this surgical mission. I just hope that those patients who were turned away this time do not lose hope...

Mount Batur

2:23am. The crescent moon hung lazily in a sky littered by lights invisible back home. There was a certain clarity in that moment, a certain knowing that this was how things were supposed to be. Singapore might have transformed itself from a sleepy fishing village to a cosmopolitan metropolis but not without relinquishing its identity and romantic charm so often documented by travellers in the 70s. Those graphic depictions of the city state can never be conceived by its citizens in this day and age.

The van meandered along skinny roads lighted only by its powerful headlights. Around it, the landscape was bathed in darkness. Over the horizon, it seemed like I was staring out to sea. Houses like lighted ships dot the vast sea of darkness, rudely interrupting its homogeneity. I knew then that I made the right decision to wake up at this godforsaken hour. I was in for something special.

The van pulled up amongst other similar looking vehicles. Around me, like-minded people gathered presumably to make the climb. No words were needed as we smiled at each other. I was introduced to our guide, Made. Conversation came effortlessly. He is a day older than me and works as a full-time trekking guide. Soon, we were joined by Kesti, an 11-year-old girl on school holiday earning a living transporting soft drinks up the mountain for sale. Decked in fashionable Nike sneakers and jeans, she ambled up the terrain effortlessly.

I made it a point to take in everything by engaging all my senses on this climb instead of just focusing on the terrain. I stopped momentarily at various intervals to soak in the experience. Above me laid the mountain, the full 1,717m. The starlight surrounding it served as a spotlight of sorts, lending it some form of stardom. After all, every morning, groups of people made this journey to its peak. Surely Mount Batur enjoyed celebrity status. Behind and below me were fireflies lining the trail like a landing strip albeit a crooked one; the other climbers were spread out comfortably. I looked ahead and stared into darkness; surely there must be groups ahead of us. It was then that I was reminded of what a friend said while we were watching planes one night - light travels in a straight line. Human beings do require constant reminders of seemingly obvious truths for we tend to get lost amongst the cacophony of day to day activities. Soon, I saw the fireflies ahead as the trail zigzagged up the mountain.

Being a Hindu, our guide stopped midway at an altar erected somewhat randomly along the trail to make offerings. Out in the wild and stillness of twilight with only the crickets interrupting the silence, his deliberate act only seemed more deliberate, more pure. I watched on from a distance, not wanting to disrupt his ritual. Taking in all that my lungs allowed, I felt privileged to be breathing this clean, unpolluted air.

We continued heavenward after the short break. 'Sun not wait for you, you wait for sun. You reach top and knock on door of sunrise', Made joked. Another reminder that time and tide waits for no soul. Our party of 5 reached the peak at 5:34am, just as the first sign of dawn pierced through the darkness. Many climbers positioned themselves for that National Geographic worthy shot, braving the cold winds. Others huddled inside a makeshift shelter, a refuge from the elements, in keen anticipation for the much-vaunted sunrise.

I decided to descend onto an outgrowth of lava rock for an unobstructed view. Having severely underestimated the weather, in T-shirt and shorts, I could not feel my fingers after awhile. Deciding to focus on what is before me took away much of my 'suffering'. Ethereal clouds streamed in with the winds and they caressed the mountains ever so gently. God is indeed amazing. Before long, sunlight peeked from behind Mount Abang and Mount Agung like a shy child. Being alone out there on the outgrowth rock allowed me a certain stillness, a sort of serenity. I guess I can understand why the ancients retreat to the mountains to find themselves and to meditate. Nothing else matters somehow when one is up there. The hustle and bustle going on down below is merely ant-like activity; there was a form of dissociation, a beautiful one no less.

I felt that I was meant to be exactly where I was, where stars aligned and made me being there possible. I have never seen a sunrise before in all my 26 years on Mother Earth. It was a disgrace. To defend myself, I did on 3 occasions placed myself in sunrise situations but it was either the weather or clouds that thwarted my experience. Made explained on the way up that the group yesterday was left disappointed by thick clouds but he believes that today will be a success. I somehow knew even from the night before, with quiet confidence deep down inside, that I was going to witness my first sunrise. His assurance confirmed my confidence.

Seeing the ball of fire popping from behind the mountains blinded me. I put on my sunglasses to better visualise the fiery globe of life. Darkness was banished, the cold lost its sting; life begins with a new day.

Paediatric Surgery

I realised something interesting this morning...that I took as fast as the local bus on my bicycle to the hospital. Perhaps it was the early morning traffic where the number of vehicles on the road was significantly lesser compared to the afternoons and evenings. Maybe it could be due to the fact that the bus has to stop at every stop while I rode on. Well...

As I reached the ward, Dr Ravi told me to grab a chair from the nurse counter. I pulled one and was unaware that a computer wire was around one of its legs; the CPU crashed onto the ground and the screen turned hazy. I was at a loss for words. There I was standing stunned in the middle of my team with the senior doctors present. I am so screwed, or so I thought. What came next was a reaction that totally took me by surprise.

"Nice work Norman, I always wanted to do that, seems like you did it for me."

"Great! Now we can get a new computer!"

There was a buzz and soon the attention was taken off me and diverted to the computer. It was really a funny experience I must say. Everyone here is super friendly and willing to teach. Ward rounds are a joy as the doctors explain each case and you really learn a lot from them. One thing I realised today at rounds was that sometimes in life when there is no one the patients can place their hope on, including the doctors, they turn to God (as this is Christian Medical College hospital). I see bibles on beds, people praying in the Chapel and I come to the conclusion that at one's most desperate hour, one will seek a higher power or being for hope.

After rounds, I went to the Operating Theatre where I spent the next 8hrs of my day. As there was only two doctors present in my team today, I was 'hired' for the day. The most memorable surgery I encountered today was this 14 year-old girl who presented with a pancreatic pseudocyst from pancreatitis secondary to gallstones. She was scheduled for a cholecystectomy and pseudocystojejunostomy. I had no idea what the latter was and hence was pretty excited to see it. Apparently, Dr Ravi was going to surgically connect the pancreatic pseudocyst to the jejunum so that the contents of the pseudocyst can drain into the bowel. A Roux-en-Y anastomosis was performed. I was particularly impressed with the skills of the surgeons here. They operate with confidence and have very sleek handling of their equipment. The best part of the surgery was witnessing the two anastomoses being sutured to perfection (such a procedure is usually done using high-tech staple guns in Singapore). One of the main reasons why I chose to do an elective here in India is because I wanted to see how Medicine is being practised in its most fundamental form - no frills. After that operation today, I knew I was in the right place. I always leave the OT learning something new =]

After leaving the OT, I had an early dinner, went to the Chapel and then cycled back to the hostel to settle my laundry before I leave for Chennai tomorrow. The weekend beckons and so the fun begins!

Coincidence? I don't think so...

I am barely into the Preface of Fearfully and Wonderfully Made but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is by no mere coincidence that I have brought this book up to read in India.

3 years ago, Jesselyn bought me In His Image and after reading it, I was on the prowl for its prequel - Fearfully and Wonderfully Made. The search for that book took quite a while as major bookstores in Singapore did not have stock. I managed to acquire a copy after about a year of persistent trying.

It might come as a surprise to many why I am only reading the book now and not back then when I bought it. I do not know the reasons too, but I can be pretty certain that schoolwork played a major factor. As the months and years pass by, it laid in the midst of my ever increasing 'to read' section of my bookshelf.

Last week, while packing for my trip, I decided to clear some books from that section, and Fearfully and Wonderfully Made caught my eye. It was like the other 20-odd books were not even there. My eyes were only focused on it. Little did I know, the series of events that unfolded would sweep me off my feet...

On Monday, during the welcome speech, I caught a glimpse of a familiar name in the background, Paul Brand. He was the co-author of both Fearfully and Wonderfully Made and In His Image!

Paul Brand's Medal in Orthopaedics

It was then that I realised that I could very well be doing an elective in the very hospital that Paul Brand worked in and served. It was as if I was tracing his steps in history. Prior to making it here, the word Vellore was just another name of a city to me. It was just a word. However, reading it in a book and being here at the moment of reading somehow gave me an invisble connection to Vellore. I felt like I had all along been destined to be here some point in my life - now.

A few pages more revealed that in India where less than 3% of the population claims to be Christian, nearly a fifth of all medical work is performed by Christian doctors and nurses. This is the ideal place for me to experience first hand about missions! This tied in perfectly to what happened on Sunday...

After my practical paper, Weihao and my discipleship group met at my place for our monthly session. If given the choice, I will very much not like to have the session and just have some down time before my evening flight. However, a commitment was made to one another at the very start that attendance for each session was imperative. Therefore, I denied the flesh as it was the right thing to do. During the session, we discussed about spiritual gifts and uncovering them. At the end of the session, we also shared about how we are going to make use of the 1-month before the next session to better identify our individual gifts and areas of ministry. My specific task is to share the gospel with someone in India, preferably through the healthcare system.

As I flipped through the pages, the words that I read resonated so strongly with ideals and beliefs that I have held on to for the longest time. The words rekindled the ember that was almost extinguished in my heart into a raging fire that is burning brighter than ever. It reminded me the reason why I chose Medicine - to uncover the greatness of God through the study of His greatest work, the human body.

Paul Brand wrote, "I have come to realize that every patient of mine, every newborn baby, in every cell of its body, has a basic knowledge of how to survive and how to heal, that exceeds anything that I shall ever know. That knowledge is the gift of God, who has made our bodies more perfectly than we could ever have devised."

When one coincidence occurs, you can label it as such; when two coincidences occur, you can attribute it to good fortune; when three or more coincidences occur, you must be severely devoid of spiritual belief if you are still adamant on it being down to 'good luck'! Therefore, here I am believing firmly that whatever reasons I have being here, God has plans intended for me to grow and mature in faith. Coincidence? I don't think so...

C. S. Lewis: Love your neighbour...

It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare...There are no ordinary people. You have never met a mere mortal...But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendours...Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your senses.

Rush not, young one...

One reason why I enjoy running so much, or doing endurance sports for that matter, is because it attunes me to that still small voice of God. This morning, I learnt something new.

In the past few weeks, I have been struggling with the issue of impatience. I found great difficulty in fully surrendering this issue to God even though I chose to believe I have done so. This was not something new to me, I have been a pretty impatient chap all my life. Whatever I set out to do, I will get it done as soon as possible. Many times at the end, I question myself whether what I did was right. I went ahead doing things before thinking about the consequences and inevitably it led to many bad decisions. It is not right to say that I had not at least gleaned some lessons from all my past experiences, but I think I still have a long way to go and God is still moulding me.

I set out to do 16km this morning with a background of 3 10km runs 2 weeks ago and a 12km run a month ago. I thought I was able to handle the distance, but I thought wrong. At the 8km U-turn point, I was feeling really good. I was truly surprised at my level of fitness! However, it was not meant to be when at the 11km mark my right knee started to hurt. I have not experienced such pain before and attributed it to my right ilio-tibial band (ITB). Throughout my years of running, I have never strained my ITB before; when it acted up this morning, I decided to take it easy for the remaining 5km. The first thing that came into my mind then was 'learn to walk before you run'.

How apt. I have been trying to 'run' in my day to day life before I had fully mastered how to 'walk'! I stopped to stretch my ITB and tried to continue albeit at a slower pace. After 1km, it acted up again. This time I decided to walk instead. During that short walk, many thoughts jostled for attention in my mind. However, I was only interested with what God was trying to teach me. I finished the 16km run with a slow jog in the last 2km.

My conclusion at the end is that His plans are always greater and better than what we think is best for us. Therefore, is it not better if we left everything in His hands and let Him map out everything for us in due time?

'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.' - Isaiah 55:8-9

Therefore, I am to focus on my 'walking' before thinking about 'running'.

'But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.' - Galatians 5:16

'...so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.' - Colossians 1:10

'...holding fast to the Word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labour in vain.' - Philippians 2:16

This summarises everything: 'but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.' - Isaiah 40:31

A blessing...

My main race in a series of 5 races in 5 weeks was finally here.. I could still remember my Aviva 70.3 2009 experience vividly; it was the most memorable race of my life. It will be the benchmark of all my races that are to come...

I always believe that a good race experience is more than just the results; it should entail the process of training for the race, the enjoyment of the race, the supporters and the entire race atmosphere. Results are just a bonus.

I planned as I did last year on my goal for this race - 5hrs 15mins was the time to hit. The splits are as follows: 40mins for the 1.9km swim, 2hrs 40mins for the 90km bike, 1hr 50mins for the 21km run and 5mins for transition and 'chill-laxing' time.

In the transition area before the race

As the gun went off, I mentally prepared myself for a long race ahead. I entered the water and started to find my stroke for the swim. The waters were relatively calm and the swim was comfortable. Upon exiting the waters from my 1st loop, I glanced at my watch and the split was within reach =] I did a mental calculation in the water on my 2nd loop and decided to up the tempo abit; I came out of the swim within my targeted time!

I mounted the bike and started to churn away. I was going faster than my targeted speed as I felt really good and comfortable. This was probably where my race went wrong...

I remembered 3 weeks ago during the 90km time-trial that Jon Ma, Amos and I did that I started conservatively but ended strong. Today, that was not the case. I could not replicate the form I showed that day. My first 2 laps were within my targeted splits, but the 3rd loop took me 58mins. That was where the additional 5mins came from. The timing was not my major concern, what worried me was the run that is to come. A glorious 21km more to go...

As I ran into transition, I overshot my transition area and had to back up, loosing some time in the process...I have to work out a system of identifying my area as it was David who helped me point out my bike after the swim (yes, I was pretty lost in T1 as well).

I felt weak on the 1st km on the run as my leg muscles spasmed away and threatened to cramp up on me. This was the portion of the race that I learned from the most.

One thing that came to my mind while running was that what I am doing now is a priviledge; It is not an entitlement. This thought really got me going as I remembered my 2 month plus hiatus from exercising late last year. I thank God for keeping me healthy to be able to enjoy this sport.

I also remembered what Coach David told me a few days before regarding relaxing your muscles in order for them to perform and I put it into practice. It was not easy to hold yourself back knowing that you can go faster, but I did and it paid off.

My muscles felt so much better after the 2km mark and I continued to slowly increase my pace but maintaining the rhythm and the 'lightness'. I only had one thought on my mind:

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee" - Muhammad Ali

I kept repeating it in my head and pushed forward on the run. It was really a battle of the mind under the crazy Singapore sun beating down mercilessly. All I wanted to do was to finish the run quickly and 'pang kang' (Hokkien for stop work), but I held back the temptation to go faster for I knew if I did, I would have crashed out with major cramps.

The support from friends and relatives made the run so much more enjoyable - it was the ONLY thing that motivated me to reach the 7km U-turn point after every lap. I dare say that the support from close ones were equal, if not more compared to the electrolytes and water at the aid stations.

Thank you everyone who took time out to support us today! =] Without you there, it would have been so much more painful and it will not have made this race so memorable.

With 2km to go, I increased my pace and surged for a strong finish. It was finally over. As I crossed the line after 1hr 56mins on the run, I felt really good. It was merely 4mins faster than my run last year in the same event, but I died real badly for the 2hrs last year. I felt strong today and that is a good sign =]

After the race, we hung around the buffet area and I caught up with Renny whom I met during my Ironman in Switzerland. He was here promoting the new Taiwan 70.3 race. It was nice seeing him again =]

As Jon Ma had a high chance of getting a Clearwater 70.3 World Championships slot via roll down, we decided to wait and see if he gets it. The thought of being able get a roll down slot myself did cross my mind but I got over it quickly when I saw my name on the no. 9 spot. There were 8 people before me and there are 2 slots, what are the odds? I thought it to be very very low.

It was only after the automatic qualifiers slot allocation was announced that I saw a glimmer of hope. The top 2 in my age-group did not claim their slots which means that Jon Ma will definitely be going to the World Championships and I might have a small chance of going too!

It seriously DID NOT cross my mind that I could get a slot, so when it finally came and was finalised, I was really elated and thankful to God for this unexpected blessing. It seemed so surreal! =]

Jon and I settling the paper work

This is a new experience and something to look forward to, but first, let's get down to training =]

Week 7 round-up

Monday: Church camp
Tuesday: Church camp
Wednesday: Church camp
Thursday: Church camp
Friday: Rest
Saturday: IPPT
Sunday: 140km bike and 5km run (5km warm up and 5km cool down ride)

Total Swim Mileage: 0km
Total Bike Mileage: 140km
Total Run Mileage: 5km

This week has been pretty chill, a good time to rest and recover for the final burst of training in the last month leading up to Ironman Switzerland. It was a good time to rest not only the physical man, but the spiritual one also. I think I over-rested the physical dude because after my IPPT, I was aching all over today! =] I am still trying to figure out the reason why..

Anyways, Nic and I decided to kill ourselves in the next 2 weeks. Therefore, we started with today. The "cursed" long bike ride followed by a 5km run was completed today! The curse has been utterly shattered...The pace for the 130km was very good I thought, maintaining in the region of 30-35km/h. Our quadriceps muscles were like rock solid after the ride. The run felt good and we both felt pretty strong. This is a good sign; now to look forward to the next 2 weeks' training. =]

Happy day!

My past 3 days were spent at church camp.. It was a superb time to recover from all my training and prepare for my IPPT this Saturday. =] I have gleaned a lot from the people around me and the workshops given during my time in camp, and I hope to be able to apply them in my life.

I left early today to meet Nicolas for our medical screening at Raffles Medical located in OUB Centre. The entire thing took about 4hrs. When we left the carpark, the parking fee shown was a whooping $16! Needless to say, we both exclaimed in astonishment. Madness beans! I have never incurred such a hefty parking fee before in my entire life.. The conclusion was that parking in the CBD area is killer.

After the medical screening, I made my way to the post office to collect my airmail from the USA. My 2XU wetsuit has arrived! =]

Brand new wetsuit for just S$180 with shipping included! My goodness..killer deal man!

I tried it on and had a really tough time getting into it. I think I need to get some Body Glide to apply.. All in all, the suit fitted me well and I am really glad! =]

Now, there is one less thing to care about for my Ironman in 29days time! Another thing to add to an already happy day is that I passed my 1st Professional MBBS examinations! I got a B. Whoots! Now, I can fully enjoy the rest of the holidays without having that at the back of my mind! Praise the Lord! =]

Week 5 round-up

Monday: 28km long run (afternoon); easy swim (evening)
Tuesday: 50km bike ride
Wednesday: Rest (flu)
Thursday: 16km pace run (night)
Friday: Rest day
Saturday: 165km bike ride
Sunday: Rest (cough)

Total Swim Mileage: 0km
Total Bike Mileage: 215km
Total Run Mileage: 44km

This week has been quite a relax week for me. After Monday's long run in the 3pm heat, Nicolas and I almost died on the next morning's bike ride at 5.30am (which explains why the mileage covered was only 50km). After the bike ride, I was down with sore throat and then subsequently flu. I decided to make this week an easy week since Nicolas was also going to Thailand to chill out with his Dad. Training proper will resume next Wednesday =]

In the next few days, I caught up with loads of lost sleep and rested pretty well. On Thursday, Jason and I went on what he believes is the first and last time he will ever do it long run. He picked me up at my place and we headed to F2 carpark at East Coast to begin our run. My aim was to do a long relax run as I was still recuperating, but the pace picked up quite abit as we U-turned at Fort Road. It was a good run, not because of the training value, but because of the things we talked about during the run. HTHT, as what Junyang will call it. Heart To Heart Talk. =]

On Friday, a few of us met up to watch Terminator Salvation. It was a pretty good time of fellowship I would say, but a pity that I could not stay for dinner as I had other stuffs to attend to. Tonight, Jason is organising another movie outing to watch Night at the Museam 2. He is on a movie-going high!

The bike ride yesterday was one that was planned at the start of the week. A 180km ride followed by a 5km run. I prepared my nutrition plan the night before and made sure everything was settled for the ride the next morning. I woke up the next day feeling abit sick, but I decided to go ahead with the ride as I wanted to test out my nutrition plan consisting of dried fruits and nuts, jelly beans and M&Ms. The previous nutrition plan failed and hence I was determined to make this a success.

The ride seemed to be plagued with a lot of problems for Jason, Jiajie and I who are participating in the Ironman in about a month's time. None of us completed the 180km ride, much less the 5km run..Jason, as usual, was beaten by the Zzz monster and failed to meet us at E2 carpark. Therefore, Jiajie, Serene, Junyang and I started off first while he joined in later. Throughout the entire bike ride, our friends joined us to motivate and push us on. Serene and Junyang were there from the start, then Yu Qiang joined in after our 1st loop followed by Yong Sheng aka Bear Bay who joined us after our 3rd loop.

Yu Qiang, as he was riding the next day, dropped off after about 40km with us. Next, Serene dropped off to call it a day after the 100km mark. Jiajie then had pain radiating down the lateral aspect of his left thigh which originated from his knee. He decided to stop and rest while Jason and I continued. Yong Sheng dropped off after the 130km mark, and Junyang left us after the 155km mark. Jason and I were left on our own from the 155km mark. There was another 25km to go.

As I was feeling a little jaded and tired from the 5hr+ ride already, I decided to take Jason's draft (something I don't believe in doing during training). It proved to be a bad decision. My front wheel clipped onto his back wheel and I was out of control. I was falling to the right but then suddenly I steadied the bike and was moving into the other lane of the coastal stretch into oncoming traffic then I fell to my left and skidded into the paths of oncoming vehicles. It was another fall for me again, or should I say, another dumb fall again.

Jason then helped me to the side of the road and helped me check my bike while I did checks on my body. I felt the world slowing down and felt dizzy, so decided to lie down to rest for awhile. Thoughts of the incident went through my head and I chastised myself for the once again lacking focus while biking.

Jason and I then shared the packet of M&Ms that I brought for the ride which exploded in my back pocket during the fall. Thankfully, I escaped with just minor cuts on my palms and a mis-aligned STI shifter. It could have been much much worst with the heavy traffic on the opposite side of the road, I could have been hit by a vehicle! I knew that God is always watching over me, protecting me. Jason also agreed that it was a miracle that I escaped unharmed.

I hailed a cab and was on my way home after 165km on my bike computer. Jiajie, Jason and I then met up again at 2pm at our favourite eatery, Fei Fei Wanton Mee, for lunch. We sat there for 3hrs talking about almost everything under the sun. I could not agree more with Jason when he said that the real fun is not in completing the Ironman, but in the process the leads up to it. =]

Into the wind

Today saw the burden lessen with all heavy papers for my 1st Professional MBBS cleared. There is a final paper tomorrow where they give you specimens and you have to identify them and answer questions related to them.

I really feel that the examiners are expert mind-gamers (Jason, you pale in comparison). A neuroscience question in the physiology paper, no neuroscience questions in the neuroscience, head and neck and musculo-skeleton paper! There was also the physiology question in the anatomy paper too. Sometimes, you do know the answers to all those questions but you begin to doubt because the paper type was specifically told to you! Well..thankfully I answered to the best of my abilities..

After the paper today, I really craved for some sort of exercise. Ever since last friday's 21km run prior to church service (killer post on this after the exams), I have not done anything other than hardcore, insane mugging. Hence, I decided to swim today. The weather was good and I initially decided to do a 4km swim. However, something overcame me in the water and I decided to add 0.5km to the mileage. I completed 4.5km in 1hr 47mins in a comfortable, relaxing manner.

I felt really good to be back doing the things I love. I felt so at peace in the water today that I almost fell asleep! Sleep deprivation has had its toll on many many of my course-mates. I have heard stories of some of them sleeping during the examinations! Seriously man..all this studying is just to pass the examinations, let alone ace it! I have never experience something as BIG as this before. The 1st Professional MBBS examinations showed me the limits of my mugging capacity. It has never reached such frontiers before; I'm in unchartered waters (in my life).

Anyways, I had a mini-reflection during the swim today as I focused on my strokes and gliding technique. I realised that the more you struggle, the more you sink. That is the same for life. Chin Ee has been the latest to impact me with his words. Trust your brain. That was what he said prior to the paper on Tuesday. There is no point panicking and wallowing in past actions, look forward to the future where your actions might still be able to effect some sort of reaction.

I really have to thank all those (tagboard people) who have showed me encouragement after the paper yesterday. Thank you! Jason, who self-proclaimed to be my source of encouragement through my entire examination, your support has been really evident =] Nicolas, thanks for that phone call, it really made a heck of a difference brother! Not forgetting God who has never left me throughout this entire time even though I felt that He did; I was the one who moved, He didn't.

Lastly, I will end off with something the man of the moment, Chin Ee, texted me:

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.

Remember why you are doing what you are doing...

I believe many has seen or heard about Team Hoyt before, I was one of them. Perhaps through the years and after getting too caught up with the things surrounding us, we tend to lose focus on why we are doing the things we love. The initial excitement of completing a race is replaced by competitiveness and results. The simple joys in life replaced by feelings of dejection having not met expectations.

Do take some time off to watch this incredible video and remind yourself the reason you are doing what you are doing. The triathlon is a celebration of human spirit and its limits...



I cried like a baby after watching this, and I hope it impacts you the way it did for me.

Love is not because, but no matter what. – Jodi Picoult

At the core of it all: An epiphany

Core definition from www.dictionary.com: the central, innermost, or most essential part of anything.

Today, I competed in my 3rd race in 3 weeks, there's still 2 more to come in the next 2 weeks! =] The race today was different from the previous races; today, I was racing with a bunch of friends who together with me had gone through 1 year of training for this event. I was racing with my team - NUS Aquathlon. It is amazing to see how I have changed over 1 year; last year's race expectations were different from this year's. I completed the biathlon last year in 1hr 48mins. Therefore, any timing this year will make me feel good about myself theoretically, but no..

Today's swim was ok..I felt good for the swim out to sea. It was at a comfortable yet slightly fast pace. I made a mistake by sticking too close to the lane rope and got boxed in. The swimmers were super rough in the water, my goggles got slightly pulled off and sea water infiltrated the left one. It was a war out there. Upon the final turn into the stretch heading back to the beach, I got disorientated and I think I swam outside the demarcated lane. There was no one (marshaller) who came up to me to direct me back! When I realised, precious time had ticked away. I was aiming for a 27-28mins swim, and with that mistake my swim time became 32-33mins.

Whilst in the water heading back in the correct direction, I was thinking that perhaps I had been too slack. I should have checked out the swim route prior to the race! With a rough guide of the route, I would have been in a better position to estimate where I was in relation to the beach. Well..as Randy Pausch puts it in his book, The Last Lecture, ''experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted." I believe that was what I had gotten in the swim today and from all the races back in 2008, experience..

Upon exiting the waters, Lincoln was there to cheer me on. I think he sensed that I was abit disappointed with my swim time as I told him the night before that I wanted to hit my target time of 1hr 15mins. "It's alright! Catch up on the run, you can do it!", was what he shouted. Off I went into the transition area, slipped on my shoes, took my running vest and bolted out for the 10km run. I was still filled with the confidence based on my 10km timing in the Newton Active Run last week and was aiming to run a 43min 10km in order to hit my target. I knew that it was possible, but I was wrong..

For the initial 5km, my anterior core section just died on me; it felt very very tense and I could not extend my stride length to go faster. I could only maintain a 5min/km pace. I have never ever felt this way before in my years of running, this was a first. Part of me wanted to just give up and seek medical attention, but another part of me wanted to go on as I was not competing for myself. I was spurred on by teammates Nicolas, Jon Ma, Zebin, Joshua Li, Kep Kee, Joshua Lim and Lemin who had made their 1st U-turn and were heading off for their remaining 8km. I hang on at that freaking slow pace.

I prayed for the pain to go away, asking God to take it all away. It was then that I got my epiphany. I have always taken part in endurance events because in the process of doing them, I find God's provision and love. He has never failed to help me whenever I needed that extra boost. He was always there for me. I looked within and asked myself, "had I done the same for Him?"

At church last night, Pastor Pacer was expounding on "Is Jesus your Lord?" He brought up very interesting points that modern day Christianity has evolved to a state of self-centredness from that of God-centredness. I could not agree more. More often than not, I find myself praying prayers like: "God, please help ME...", "God, I pray that you give ME..." It is all ME, MYSELF and I. The message preached nowadays has been diluted to the state that people receive the wonderful gift of salvation because something is promised to them. "I receive Jesus into my heart so that I can have a peaceful life ahead", "I receive Jesus into my heart so that I can experience His blessings".

Is Jesus really our Lord? Or is He just a vending machine, called to in times of need, forgotten in times of peace? Jesus owns us, not the other way round. It is expressed clearly in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

My cramped up core muscles also made me remember a concept I learnt while reading a book entitled: Stop Acting like a Christian, Just Be One by Christine Caine. "Just as our physical core is responsible for every move our body makes, our spiritual core is responsible for our every thought, emotion, reaction and decision." I got it now, He was trying to show me the importance of the spiritual core through the phyical core. I now understood how hard it was to run with a cramped up physical core, therefore I could parallel it to how hard it was to live in this world with a weak spiritual core! This was the wake-up call I needed.

My spiritual core is indeed pretty weak, and I have been doing nothing to try and strengthen it. As with many things in Christianity, a divine paradox once again shows up: building up a strong spiritual core will make life so much more easier to live, but to build up that strong spiritual core is not easy. I likened the run to the road of life, with a strong core, my run will be so much easier..

Soon, Shaun and Coach David overtook me at the National Sailing Centre. "Hang in there Norman!", shouted Coach. Aldrich was now also catching up. "Come on Norms, hang in there". I decided to give it a shot. I figured out that now I understood what He was trying to tell me, maybe He will take the pain off for the remainder of my run, which was about 5km. I gave chase to Coach David and Shaun and managed to catch up with the latter. After the 2nd U-turn, I upped my pace and my core loosened up more. I felt so energized and decided to revise my target to hit below 1hr 20mins.

I spun my necklace with the cross now behind my back as it was bouncing about infront and maintained the faster pace. I then realised that I was like 'carrying the cross' as stated in Luke 9:23, "And He said to all, "If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."" It was getting really personal this time.

When I crossed the water point, I took a cup of water and gulped it down. Another realisation dawned upon me! My goodness, could you believe it that all this took place in my head during the 10km run! The water served a purpose only temporal; it quenched my thirst for the time being. It can be likened to what the world offers in terms of material possessions and the like; they will satisfy you only for the time being, after which you will be in search for better alternatives. When you take your focus off God and His will for your life, your heart begins to seek after false loves. As John 4:13 beautifully elucidates, "Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty forever. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."" Jesus is the only way to true satisfaction.

I finally managed to see the finishing point in sight and made a mad dash for it, hoping to hit my revised target. I crossed the line at 1hr 19mins flat on my Timex. Aldrich immediately congratulated me and helped me out. During the course of the run, I did voice out to him that my core was gone. He encouraged me throughout the entire race to hang on. My last realisation came, that spiritual support is very important in our walk with God. The people we hang out with, the support they give be it spiritual or not is very important to sustain us through life's tough patches. I feel glad that I had set a personal best which is a huge improvement from last year even though I believe that I could have done better.. However, whatever I gleaned today is still so much more apart from the race. I will end off with quotes that impacted me from my captain and boss, Aldrich, who will be stepping down in 1 week's time. Whoever is going to be captain will have really freaking huge shoes to fill! =]

"Don’t worry, you've built your base and nobody can take it away from you."
"Don’t burn out, take it easy; you’re only year 1, there’s still next year."
"This is just a small race, look at the big picture."

When I run, I feel His pleasure..

I ran my 2nd event this year, the Newton Active Run 2009 at Seng Kang. I still remembered what I said in my previous post; this year has proven to be right on track. =] It is really very satisfying when you train so hard and see the improvements. I felt such joy today.

I left house at 6am (the race starts at 7.30am) fearing that I might get lost on the way to Seng Kang, and if so have back-up time to reach there on time. I indeed got lost! I missed a turning and ended up in a totally different place. I called Mummy for directions and finally managed to reach there in one piece. I parked about 1 LRT station away from the race site and did a warm-up run to the start point. There, I immediately saw Joshua. We later saw Sunny, Mok and Zebin at the start point prior to the race. It was clear who the winner was going to be, at least that was what I thought.

My aim for this event was to clock my personal best for the 10km distance. I wanted to hit below 42mins. Whilst chatting away with my camp medic (back in Sungei Gedong) and now school mate Benedict, I came to a realisation:

Me: Wah, damn sians man.
Benedict: Why? You nervous?
Me: Ok lah, just feel abit sian lors.
Benedict: Hahas, why sians?
Me: It is always like this, at the start point you think why are you here in the first place; during the run you think to yourself, why am I torturing myself? But in the end after the race you will want to do more races.
Benedict: Hahas, yah man.

The air gun went off and we ran. I hit 3mins 40secs for my 1st km, it was way too fast to sustain for me. Subsequently, I dropped the pace to about 4mins/km. At the 6km mark I was already feeling really jaded. I thought to myself: There is just 10 x 400m intervals left. Hahas..So I kept pushing and at the 2km mark I gave all I had. Throughout the run, whenever I felt really tired or shitty, I remembered what Eric Liddell said: "When I run, I feel His pleasure". I did not want to have any regrets after the run, so I kept the pace and focused. My eyes were on Him.



When I crossed the finishing line, the clocked showed 40mins 11secs. I was elated! I had done my personal best and it was even better than what I intended to do! Praise the Lord! =] After speaking to Josh, we figured out that maybe the timer was started 20secs later because when he ended the race, the timings on his watch and that of the timer were different. Josh and I started together. I did not manage to get my time on the watch because even though I started the watch, I abandoned looking at it for the last 2km. I did not want to get distracted or have my emotions stirred by a tiny device. Therefore, if Josh is right, my timing will be 40mins 31secs =]

I hope that the Singapore Biathlon 2009 next week will see all our training with NUS Aquathlon pay off. We must do well. =]

Nirvana..

You came to see a race today. To see someone win. It happened to be me. But I want you to do more than just watch a race. I want you to take part in it. I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul. You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape - especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe your dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job. So who am I to say, "Believe, have faith," in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. Jesus said, "Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me." If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then that is how you run a straight race. - Eric Liddell

I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure. - Eric Liddell

Eric Lindell ran for God in the 1924 Olympics in Paris. He gave up running his 100m heat because it was held on the Sabbath. He honoured God. A team mate on the British Olympic team gave up his 400m spot for Eric so that the latter could compete.

Prior to the start of the 400m finals, a USA runner handed Eric a note at the starting point. In it was: It says in the old Book, "He who honors Me, I will honor". Good luck - Jackson Scholz. It was Scholz who knew the real reason why Eric Lindell was running this race. The whole team USA had under-estimated Eric for he had already ran 2 events that day and they all thought that he will cramp up by the 300m mark.

Eric Liddell held on to that note during the race and went on to win the 400m.

Isaiah 40:15-31:
Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket, and are accounted as the dust on the scales; behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust.

Lebanon would not suffice for fuel, nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering.

All the nations are as nothing before him, they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness.

To whom then will you liken God, or what likeness compare with him?

An idol! A craftsman casts it, and a goldsmith overlays it with gold and casts for it silver chains.

He who is too impoverished for an offering chooses wood that will not rot; he seeks out a skillful craftsman to set up an idol that will not move.

Do you not know? Do you not hear? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?

It is he who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;

who brings princes to nothing, and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.

Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown, scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth, when he blows on them, and they wither, and the tempest carries them off like stubble.

To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One.

Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God"?

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Amazing love

Think of a scientist, staring through his microscope's eyepiece at a microbe population gone berserk and threatening the world. He longs for a way to remove his labcoat, shrink down to micron size, and enter that microbe world with the genetic material needed to correct it.

In the context of our own analogy, imagine God, after looking with great sadness on the virus of evil that has infected His creation, casting aside His own prerogatives to take on the shell of a victim cell of that abhorrent virus in order to vaccinate humanity against death and destruction that are sure to follow. An analogy points to truth weakly; nothing could have more force than the simple assertion, "He became sin for us."

This is just something interesting I came across when reading In His Image by Philip Yancey and Dr. Paul Brand. I can still hardly grasp and fathom the love that God had when He sent His only Son Jesus to die on the Cross for us. It is simply amazing =]

It should have been so easy..

I think I finally understand my biggest flaw..I strive too much to kill two birds with one stone. This morning, as usual I would have bike rides with Jiajie and gang, but I gave that up to play a match for my medicine soccer team. Mistake number 1: This match is not a priority that I've identified in my New Year's Resolution. However, as the Medicine-Law games is coming up, I thought that it will good to play a few more games with the team to forge better chemistry on the pitch. Therefore, in order to 'cover' this mistake, I decided to do my bike training in the evening, on my own.

Upon reaching the soccer field in NUS, I realised that the kick off will be at 10am instead of 9.30am, the time that was told to me. In the minutes that led up to the game, thoughts jostled for dominance in my mind. To play or not to play, that is the question..Cell group was at 10.45am at Tampines, which means that I have to leave at 10.15am to make it on time. Mistake number 2: I decided to play a few minutes of the game then leave for cell group. The final result: I did not remain on the pitch long enough to contribute as much as I would want to, I reached cell group late, and I ended up fulfilling nothing.

This was worst than doing either things fully. At least by playing the full match or reaching cell group early, I would have at least fulfilled a certain thing. What I did was really retarded. I listed down the three priorities on the 31st of December 2008 to make my life easier in determining the things to do or not to do, instead here I was today struggling to make a decision that was long already made back then.

Today, I learnt a lesson. Linking it to my walk with God, I could see clear parallels. There were so many times when I knew I should not do certain things, but I still went ahead, thinking that I knew best. I could almost certainly say that this morning while I was making up my mind at the stands near the field, I could see the illustration of a little demon on my left shoulder and a little angel on my right shoulder, both whispering their opinions into my ears. I feel shitty.

I hope that this experience serves me well in future situations.