This week long annual leave came at a rather apt time.
This was my first break in 2019 (not counting the 5 days taken for the exit
MCQs). Among the many things jostling for my attention, one stood out the most
- my journey in becoming a surgeon.
As to when exactly did I begin to become numb to my work
I cannot remember, but I would place the period sometime after my KTPH posting.
It was only recently that I realised I do not recognise this person I have
become. I was just going through the motion of work, the flame was gone; I was
just an outer shell, not unlike a machine.
WHO has now defined burnout in its latest edition of the
ICD-11 as “a syndrome conceptualised as resulting from chronic workplace stress
that has not been successfully managed.” The syndrome was characterised by:
1.
Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion
2.
Increased mental distance from one’s job, or
feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job
3.
Reduced professional efficacy
I came across the above while reading some articles about
depersonalisation. Reading it felt like I was reading about myself, every word
rang true and it was scary. I have always been a very private person, choosing
to sort things out on my own rather than seek help. Understandably, I do not
believe in counselling - that process was for people who are weak. I cannot be
more wrong.
This time away from work, albeit short, has kickstarted
in me a process. I have sought help from a Christian counsellor, met up with a
lifecoach and very roughly made plans for the next 6-months of 2019. I believe
when you are at your lowest point, the only way is up. I have to alter my trajectory
if I wish to continue on my journey to become a surgeon.
“Do you still want to become a surgeon?”
I recently read Atul Gawande’s Complications, the chapter
‘when good doctors go bad’ stood out especially to me. I am sure that if I do
not do something about my situation, I might end up harming patients like Dr
Hank Goodman. I appreciate that there is a system in place to address this
behaviour before it spirals out of control or before someone gets harmed.
The answer to the question above is: “YES”, and I will
and must bring about change that is sustainable which will see me through the
rest of my career. I am looking forward with fear of the unknown but filled
with hope that something good will come out of this. That I am sure of, in the
end, it will be OK.
