What am I doing here?

Reality hit me once I was up in the sky on my way to Johannesburg. Up until then, I had been so preoccupied with settling the various tasks for my new home that I hardly had any time to prepare for my trip. The kids were much more attuned to my leaving though. In the weeks leading up to my flight, Ansel has been deliberate in his attempts to spend more time with me. Noah, much more subtle in his approach, has also gone of his comfort zone to express his want for quality time. Earlier tonight, he hung around the living room past his bedtime so that he can be with me. When Olivia noticed it, she nudged me to speak with him. "I don't want papa to leave, I want to cry already." Hearing those words from my firstborn almost made me want to cry too, I just hugged and kissed him, mentioning that it will only be 2-months before we meet again in London.

Then, in mid-flight, a sense of fear gripped me. Why am I travelling to such a dangerous place for my trauma fellowship? I was almost paralysed with fear until sleep gripped me with its hold and I thought no longer. When I arrived, the list of things to do helped distract me: getting a SIM card, collecting my rental car, driving to my accommodation, settling in, video-calling home to speak with the boys, then driving to Chris Hani Baragwanath Academic Hospital to recce the place before starting work the next day, ending with lunch and grocery shopping before heading back to crash into an 11-hour sleep.

 

I guess the answer to my question will only be truly and fully revealed at the end of my sojourn here in Johannesburg. All I know is that God is with me, He will protect and guide me. Amen.

Noah's prayer for me in church

Sunday's recce to CHBAH

Conversations in the dark

"Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love you."
"I'm glad I did."

Building Bridges

Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love. – Old man in My Sassy Girl

The Heart

Heart: A hollow muscular organ which by contracting rhythmically keeps up the circulation of the blood; the seat of the affections or sensibilities, collectively or separately; the inmost or most central part of a thing; the most important or vital part.

The heart is a very mysterious thing. Being attached to Cardiothoracic Surgery this week, I came face to face with it beating inside a human chest for the very first time. That moment, everything around me seemed less important compared to the perfect synchrony of the dual pulsation made by that muscular machine. The heart is an engineering marvel; it promises you what no other thing can – beating for every single second of your life from the moment you were born till the moment you breathe your last. The heart never fails to amaze me in that it NEVER rests!

However, this loyalty comes at a price. The heart can take years of insult without flinching because it was engineered with reserves. It learns to deal and cope with the numerous atrocities we commit against it until it is too late. I have seen patients with hearts encased in fats and wonder how do us humans treat our bodies? It boils down to one simple truth: we took it for granted.

As with many things, once you start taking something for granted, you stop working at it. When that happens, everything goes downhill from then. Is it any wonder then that matters of the heart also suffer the same fate when we take the relationships we have for granted?

I have learnt something today. Whether be it the heart as an organ or the heart as the other definitions stated above, one must never take it for granted.

Like candles that guide my path...

I guess this academic year has finally taken its toll on me; I am feeling pretty restless and quite jaded before my final paper tomorrow, I just wish it to be over as soon as possible. There are so many thoughts wrestling for dominance in my mind that I find it hard to carry out my final revision for tomorrow. The only thing that I am looking forward to is my trip to India, but even that is filled with its own set of issues. Perhaps I am thinking too much, only time will tell.

It is important to surround yourself with friends who resonate and connect with you as Coach David always say. I find that to be very true. They are like the candles that light up my path in this dark world; the guiding lights that I use to orientate myself whenever I am lost. Thank you for your call; thank you for making the effort to come down and catch up; thank you for your love, care and concern; thank you brother.

Aal izz well (all is well), aal izz well.

To love.

To love is a beautiful, mysterious event; do not miss it.
Be neither too cautious nor too absorbed.
Too many of us reason with our hearts and experience with our heads.
It cannot be so.
The heart knows no logic beyond need and desire;
the head has no senses except the common and the pragmatic.
Neither, frankly, is useful in love anyway.
Rely on your sixth sense, that little voice within.
There is no preparation for or protection from the joy and pain of relationships.
They are inseparable twins. One follows another.
And make no mistake, love is not gay abandon;
it is to be courageous, to take risks and be disciplined. - Author Unknown

Haruki Murakami: On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning

One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo's fashionable Harujuku neighborhood, I walked past the 100% perfect girl. 

Tell you the truth, she's not that good-looking. She doesn't stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn't young, either - must be near thirty, not even close to a "girl," properly speaking. But still, I know from fifty yards away: She's the 100% perfect girl for me. The moment I see her, there's a rumbling in my chest, and my mouth is as dry as a desert.

Maybe you have your own particular favorite type of girl - one with slim ankles, say, or big eyes, or graceful fingers, or you're drawn for no good reason to girls who take their time with every meal. I have my own preferences, of course. Sometimes in a restaurant I'll catch myself staring at the girl at the next table to mine because I like the shape of her nose.

But no one can insist that his 100% perfect girl correspond to some preconceived type. Much as I like noses, I can't recall the shape of hers - or even if she had one. All I can remember for sure is that she was no great beauty. It's weird.

"Yesterday on the street I passed the 100% girl," I tell someone.

"Yeah?" he says. "Good-looking?"

"Not really."

"Your favorite type, then?"

"I don't know. I can't seem to remember anything about her - the shape of her eyes or the size of her breasts."

"Strange."

"Yeah. Strange."

"So anyhow," he says, already bored, "what did you do? Talk to her? Follow her?"

"Nah. Just passed her on the street."

She's walking east to west, and I west to east. It's a really nice April morning.

Wish I could talk to her. Half an hour would be plenty: just ask her about herself, tell her about myself, and - what I'd really like to do - explain to her the complexities of fate that have led to our passing each other on a side street in Harajuku on a beautiful April morning in 1981. This was something sure to be crammed full of warm secrets, like an antique clock build when peace filled the world.

After talking, we'd have lunch somewhere, maybe see a Woody Allen movie, stop by a hotel bar for cocktails. With any kind of luck, we might end up in bed.

Potentiality knocks on the door of my heart.

Now the distance between us has narrowed to fifteen yards.

How can I approach her? What should I say?

"Good morning, miss. Do you think you could spare half an hour for a little conversation?"

Ridiculous. I'd sound like an insurance salesman.

"Pardon me, but would you happen to know if there is an all-night cleaners in the neighborhood?"

No, this is just as ridiculous. I'm not carrying any laundry, for one thing. Who's going to buy a line like that?

Maybe the simple truth would do. "Good morning. You are the 100% perfect girl for me."

No, she wouldn't believe it. Or even if she did, she might not want to talk to me. Sorry, she could say, I might be the 100% perfect girl for you, but you're not the 100% boy for me. It could happen. And if I found myself in that situation,
I'd probably go to pieces. I'd never recover from the shock. I'm thirty-two, and that's what growing older is all about.

We pass in front of a flower shop. A small, warm air mass touches my skin. The asphalt is damp, and I catch the scent of roses. I can't bring myself to speak to her. She wears a white sweater, and in her right hand she holds a crisp white envelope lacking only a stamp. So: She's written somebody a letter, maybe spent the whole night writing, to judge from the sleepy look in her eyes. The envelope could contain every secret she's ever had.

I take a few more strides and turn: She's lost in the crowd.

Now, of course, I know exactly what I should have said to her. It would have been a long speech, though, far too long for me to have delivered it properly. The ideas I come up with are never very practical.

Oh, well. It would have started "Once upon a time" and ended "A sad story, don't you think?"

Once upon a time, there lived a boy and a girl. The boy was eighteen and the girl sixteen. He was not unusually handsome, and she was not especially beautiful. They were just an ordinary lonely boy and an ordinary lonely girl, like all the others. But they believed with their whole hearts that somewhere in the world there lived the 100% perfect boy and the 100% perfect girl for them. Yes, they believed in a miracle. And that miracle actually happened.

One day the two came upon each other on the corner of a street.

"This is amazing," he said. "I've been looking for you all my life. You may not believe this, but you're the 100% perfect girl for me."

"And you," she said to him, "are the 100% perfect boy for me, exactly as I'd pictured you in every detail. It's like a dream."

They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore.

They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. What a wonderful thing it is to find and be found by your 100% perfect other. It's a miracle, a cosmic miracle.

As they sat and talked, however, a tiny, tiny sliver of doubt took root in their hearts: Was it really all right for one's dreams to come true so easily?

And so, when there came a momentary lull in their conversation, the boy said to the girl, "Let's test ourselves - just once. If we really are each other's 100% perfect lovers, then sometime, somewhere, we will meet again without fail. And when that happens, and we know that we are the 100% perfect ones, we'll marry then and there. What do you think?"

"Yes," she said, "that is exactly what we should do."

And so they parted, she to the east, and he to the west.

The test they had agreed upon, however, was utterly unnecessary. They should never have undertaken it, because they really and truly were each other's 100% perfect lovers, and it was a miracle that they had ever met. But it was impossible for them to know this, young as they were. The cold, indifferent waves of fate proceeded to toss them unmercifully.

One winter, both the boy and the girl came down with the season's terrible inluenza, and after drifting for weeks between life and death they lost all memory of their earlier years. When they awoke, their heads were as empty as the young D. H. Lawrence's piggy bank.

They were two bright, determined young people, however, and through their unremitting efforts they were able to acquire once again the knowledge and feeling that qualified them to return as full-fledged members of society. Heaven be praised, they became truly upstanding citizens who knew how to transfer from one subway line to another, who were fully capable of sending a special-delivery letter at the post office. Indeed, they even experienced love again, sometimes as much as 75% or even 85% love.

Time passed with shocking swiftness, and soon the boy was thirty-two, the girl thirty.

One beautiful April morning, in search of a cup of coffee to start the day, the boy was walking from west to east, while the girl, intending to send a special-delivery letter, was walking from east to west, but along the same narrow street in the Harajuku neighborhood of Tokyo. They passed each other in the very center of the street. The faintest gleam of their lost memories glimmered for the briefest moment in their hearts. Each felt a rumbling in their chest. And they knew:

She is the 100% perfect girl for me.

He is the 100% perfect boy for me.

But the glow of their memories was far too weak, and their thoughts no longer had the clarity of fouteen years earlier. Without a word, they passed each other, disappearing into the crowd. Forever.

A sad story, don't you think?

Yes, that's it, that is what I should have said to her.

Remember why you are doing what you are doing...

I believe many has seen or heard about Team Hoyt before, I was one of them. Perhaps through the years and after getting too caught up with the things surrounding us, we tend to lose focus on why we are doing the things we love. The initial excitement of completing a race is replaced by competitiveness and results. The simple joys in life replaced by feelings of dejection having not met expectations.

Do take some time off to watch this incredible video and remind yourself the reason you are doing what you are doing. The triathlon is a celebration of human spirit and its limits...



I cried like a baby after watching this, and I hope it impacts you the way it did for me.

Love is not because, but no matter what. – Jodi Picoult

Someone once asked me...

"hey...do you very much believe in fate? :)"

If this looks familiar to you, you're pretty sharp.. =] Someone once asked me this question on my tagboard. Someone who goes by the name passerby. Actually I had an answer immediately, but I dare not post it because it seemed so idealistic.. If I may, I will like to change the question to what I perceived it to be...

"hey...do you very much believe in destiny? :)"

This was how I saw it. I believe that we as God's children have the liberty to exercise our free will as long as it is within moral grounds. A friend once told me, "love God and do anything". It was so simple yet profound. Can we really do anything? Let me put it this way, if you really love God, you will do things that pleases Him.

As the days go by, the answer that I wanted to give became more and more clear..now I'm prepared to answer that question truthfully..

Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love. - My Sassy Girl

You have to do something even if things were meant for you. It does not mean that you can just sit back and hope that it will turn out as you dreamed or wished. However, before you start building that bridge, are you sure about the one you love?

Love...

I renounce all selfish goals and choose the ultimate goal of love.

"The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith." - 1 Timothy 1:5

I choose to obey the 2 greatest commandments: To love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and mind, and to love my neighbour as myself.

"And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself."" - Matthew 22:37-39

Indeed, in life most things are down to decisions. =]

God's wonderful!

Hello world! I have 5 working days to my overseas training! What a journey, it's nearing the end...I'm feeling a little nostalgic already. =[

Anyways, some interesting things to share. I've got my IPPT Gold award for my 2nd year. It's really a testimony to share man! The night before, I slept only an hour due to some unforeseen circumstances in which immediate attention has to be given to. I felt like crap the next day, but a couple of bread, chicken essence and ginseng tea topped up with a cute hamster did the job of perking me up for the test.

My problem was again the standing broad jump. I prayed before the test, and knew deep down inside that no matter what happens, that day was the day I was going to get my Gold. Faith still works with doubt in your mind. I cleared the SBJ with relative ease and all that remains was the 2.4km run in which I had little to worry about.

I ran in wave 1, clocked the timing of 9:08mins. My Supervising Officer then said that the whole wave's timing is to be voided due to some conducting error. I was seriously pissed! Here I am finally able to get my Gold award and there he was preventing it. How lame can this get!? I decided to run in wave 2 in order to get another 2.4km timing. Cadets and colleagues around started talking among themselves and asked me if I was crazy. I smiled and believe that all will be well. =]

I started the 2nd 2.4km of my day and I felt shitty. Coming in for my last lap I had only 1min30secs left in order to clock the gold timing. I knew I was doomed..However, due to some divine assistance, I managed to clock 9:31mins! What a killer day! After the run, everything seemed blurry to me. My head was super painful and my limbs were weak. But the feeling inside was wonderful, it was such a satisfactory feeling. I love to push myself to the limit! Praise the Lord, I got my Gold award. $200 into the account.

Other than this event, life's been pretty usual for me. I've learnt more about myself through the interaction with a certain special person, and everything's been looking up. All glory to God most high. Take care people and God bless you loads! =]

Leaving you with a super nice quote from Jodi Picoult's Second Glance:

'Love is not because, but no matter what.'