6-monthly reflection 2

This week long annual leave came at a rather apt time. This was my first break in 2019 (not counting the 5 days taken for the exit MCQs). Among the many things jostling for my attention, one stood out the most - my journey in becoming a surgeon.

As to when exactly did I begin to become numb to my work I cannot remember, but I would place the period sometime after my KTPH posting. It was only recently that I realised I do not recognise this person I have become. I was just going through the motion of work, the flame was gone; I was just an outer shell, not unlike a machine.

WHO has now defined burnout in its latest edition of the ICD-11 as “a syndrome conceptualised as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed.” The syndrome was characterised by:

1.       Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion

2.       Increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job

3.       Reduced professional efficacy

I came across the above while reading some articles about depersonalisation. Reading it felt like I was reading about myself, every word rang true and it was scary. I have always been a very private person, choosing to sort things out on my own rather than seek help. Understandably, I do not believe in counselling - that process was for people who are weak. I cannot be more wrong.

This time away from work, albeit short, has kickstarted in me a process. I have sought help from a Christian counsellor, met up with a lifecoach and very roughly made plans for the next 6-months of 2019. I believe when you are at your lowest point, the only way is up. I have to alter my trajectory if I wish to continue on my journey to become a surgeon.  

“Do you still want to become a surgeon?”

I recently read Atul Gawande’s Complications, the chapter ‘when good doctors go bad’ stood out especially to me. I am sure that if I do not do something about my situation, I might end up harming patients like Dr Hank Goodman. I appreciate that there is a system in place to address this behaviour before it spirals out of control or before someone gets harmed.

The answer to the question above is: “YES”, and I will and must bring about change that is sustainable which will see me through the rest of my career. I am looking forward with fear of the unknown but filled with hope that something good will come out of this. That I am sure of, in the end, it will be OK.