6-monthly reflection 1

Hearing the news felt surreal. I was not surprised as I had already prepared for the worst. It was also the only obvious outcome when I found out that my meeting was scheduled forward. In that instant, I felt an immense sense of injustice. I had completed all the milestones required for progression but I was held back by those 4-months in KTPH.

That posting coincided with the darkest days in my short life thus far. I only managed to trawl myself out of it a few months after. I did not feel a need to share this with anybody and perhaps that was why it seemed like I was ‘out of sorts’ by many during that period. I am not trying to find myself any excuses to pin all of this to, but perhaps the only shortcoming I had was the way I handled it all. I feel that the assessment that I am perhaps still a little too immature for progression is probably not too far off. I am just disappointed in myself, and this feeling had made me a little sore.

For the next few weeks, I allowed myself to let the gravity of being retained sink in. I refused to reflect on the situation and pondered alternative outcomes based on the various choices I could make. It did not help that one of my fellow colleague shared that he was quitting. I allowed myself to entertain the idea of leaving all this behind and just call it quits. I harboured the thought of taking an extended break from work to ‘rejuvenate’ myself and coming back stronger. I told myself I was jaded from work; I was burnt out. I told myself that I could not push on, not in such circumstance.

One thing that any endurance athlete can tell you is ‘mind over body’. I have had personal experiences participating in Ironman Triathlons to know that it is when you reach a nadir in the race that you experience your second wind. You get into a sort of trance state where just a moment ago you wished you were relaxing on your couch. Your body goes into auto-pilot and you just carry on like you were possessed. The thing is, you have to reach that state of absolute suffering in order to experience such liberation. The mind is a powerful thing.

Thinking back, I was acting like a spoilt brat. My mind was weak and it ended up telling me that it was not possible; that this retention was the end. I allowed myself to believe that this was pervasive and permanent. I just cannot deal with failure. My life up until that moment has been pretty smooth sailing. I do not think that I have ever learnt to fail, to pick myself up and go again, to become stronger. I have been blessed and it has made me take many things for granted. This was my wake up call. This is God giving me a life lesson to learn from.

1 Corinthians 10:13 says: ‘No temptation/testing has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted/tested beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted/tested, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.’

I now take this in my stride. I will use this opportunity to build myself from the ground up, to gain more experience, to become a better person, doctor, surgeon, son, husband, and father. The one thing that has prevented me from taking the easy way out of this situation is my son. Having grown up without a father, I am still grappling with learning how to be a man, a father. I cannot fathom a day where my son comes to me for advice in life and I would be none the wiser. Passing up this chance for growth will then become a life-long regret.

The race is long and 6-months is nothing much compared to the grand scheme of things. I will focus on the bigger picture and continue on even when it seems so tough and that I cannot possibly go on. Then and only then will I experience my second wind, my breakthrough and see the light at the end of the finish line.