From ashes to beauty †: November 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

You reap what you sow..

I did the toughest race of my life today..It was humbling and at the same time enlightening. Being in the youngest age-group in this event means that we are in the last wave. This also means that we have the most disadvantageous cut-off timing: 1hr for the swim and 3hrs for the bike.

In the build up to the World Championships, I hardly spent any time in the pool. Bike and run trainings were also minimal. I went into the competition with the mentality of just completing it. However, I did set myself 5hr 45mins to complete it. This was the timing of my first ever 70.3 Half-Ironman in Singapore last year.

Having not done much swim training and this being a wetsuit swim in cold waters, I was quite worried about the swim leg. I made it a point to warm up in the cold waters before the wave start and my body slowly aclimatized. The gun went off and everyone made a dash for the waters. I stayed behind, knowing my limits. It was a very choppy swim and I struggled a lot. I am thankful for the canoeist who stayed by my side throughout almost half of the swim. The thought of taking more than 1hr in the swim caused me to push myself harder. I did not want my day to end before it had even started. I did not come all the way here to swim! I was last out of the waters in my group and managed 46mins for the swim leg.

The swim took a lot of out me and I struggled on the bike in the first few miles. I was alone and the headwind was insane. I had 3hrs 10mins to make it back before being disqualified. It was the most pressurizing bike ride I have ever done. I was averaging 28km/h in the first few miles and this was not good. I was not going to make the cut-off time for the bike at this rate. I grinded hard to put one leg ahead of another, churning the gears as my legs burned from the swim. After 20km into the bike leg, I managed to find my legs and I was averaging around 33-34km/h. I then bummed into Jocelyn 10km from the finish and we completed the bike leg together. I completed the bike leg in 2hrs 53mins.

Knowing that the cut-off time for the run is 3hrs, I knew that there was nothing between me and the finishing line. Jocelyn and I decided to run together. However, we lost each other in transition and I ended up waiting almost 15mins for her as I see Jon Ma charging down for his 2nd and final lap of the run. The temptation to go ahead alone and make my target time was great, but in the end I chose to wait. Seeing no sign of Jocelyn after all this time, I went ahead realising that there was no way I can complete the race in my target time of 5hr 45mins.

Throughout the run, I kept my eyes peeled for Jocelyn, hoping that she is already on the course running. I finally spotted her 8km to the end. By then, she was already 3km from the finish. I was finally relieved. I increased my pace and completed the run in 2hr 14mins (including the waiting time).

I do not regret the time wasted waiting for Jocelyn as I learnt that triathlon is more than just an individual sport. This was something that I was reminded again in this trip. Professionals like Julie Dibens and Michael Raelert chatted to us without airs. Everybody treated everybody like family. I did not want to sacrifice that for personal gain.

I do not deny that I am very disappointed with my showing at the World Championships, but I believe that the lessons learnt here will serve me well in the future races. You reap what you sow, and I have no excuses for that. This is the toughest race I have ever done and I hope never to feel like that again.

I am very thankful to everyone who has encouraged me and who have believed in me. Thank you so much for your love, care and concern. I will come back stronger. Promise.

Friday, November 05, 2010

Getting it off my chest

Clearwater, Florida. Ironman 70.3 World Championship. I never for once took this opportunity to participate in the above-mentioned race for granted. I never believed in going there just to complete the race. I even set targets for myself to smash at the event. It was to be a personal best, all out, flat out race for me...

However, things never turn out the way you want them to. 2 back-to-back bike incidents put me off running for 2 months. On top of that, ever since Ironman Switzerland, I have never really gotten back the feeling of what it means to swim, cycle and run. I could not find the reason to continue doing what I used to love most. There are times however that I battle this mindset and take myself out in the course of training. I was fighting both the body and the mind. It was tiring. There are occasions when I get a glimpse of what training is supposed to be like, but those days are few and far between.

Words cannot describe the disappointment I feel when I go out for an intended 90km bike ride and stop short at 30km because I just simply cannot will myself to carry on. It is not out of physical exhaustion, but I was mentally dead. Each day that passes draws me nearer to the race; each day passes with me losing the meaning of this sport.

I cannot understand how people like Joshua Li or Jonathan Ma sustain that fire within to keep pressing forward to greater heights. What drives them? People like Ling Er who came back from a broken femur to win Ironman 70.3 Philippines and subsequently qualify for the Ironman 70.3 World Championship. What drove her?

Perhaps the only reason why I am still trying so hard to train and race amidst all this shit going through my mind is this: ego. Ego can sustain your drive for a while, but in the long run you lose yourself and become someone you yourself cannot recognize.

I started to reflect on this recently and posed myself some hard questions. If I stop doing triathlons or stop training, will I still be me; will I still be Norman? Will my friends view me differently? Who am I, actually?

To be very honest, I have no answers to the questions myself. All I can do is to keep asking more questions and let time reveal the answers to me. I have no idea how I will perform at the race next Saturday. I have no idea how I want to race. I do not know what I will learn from this experience or how it will shape the way I decide about things in the future, but I guess for now I have to put my ego down and wake up to the fact that probably the best I can do there is to complete the race.

I am sorry to all who has put your faith in me.