Getting it off my chest

Clearwater, Florida. Ironman 70.3 World Championship. I never for once took this opportunity to participate in the above-mentioned race for granted. I never believed in going there just to complete the race. I even set targets for myself to smash at the event. It was to be a personal best, all out, flat out race for me...

However, things never turn out the way you want them to. 2 back-to-back bike incidents put me off running for 2 months. On top of that, ever since Ironman Switzerland, I have never really gotten back the feeling of what it means to swim, cycle and run. I could not find the reason to continue doing what I used to love most. There are times however that I battle this mindset and take myself out in the course of training. I was fighting both the body and the mind. It was tiring. There are occasions when I get a glimpse of what training is supposed to be like, but those days are few and far between.

Words cannot describe the disappointment I feel when I go out for an intended 90km bike ride and stop short at 30km because I just simply cannot will myself to carry on. It is not out of physical exhaustion, but I was mentally dead. Each day that passes draws me nearer to the race; each day passes with me losing the meaning of this sport.

I cannot understand how people like Joshua Li or Jonathan Ma sustain that fire within to keep pressing forward to greater heights. What drives them? People like Ling Er who came back from a broken femur to win Ironman 70.3 Philippines and subsequently qualify for the Ironman 70.3 World Championship. What drove her?

Perhaps the only reason why I am still trying so hard to train and race amidst all this shit going through my mind is this: ego. Ego can sustain your drive for a while, but in the long run you lose yourself and become someone you yourself cannot recognize.

I started to reflect on this recently and posed myself some hard questions. If I stop doing triathlons or stop training, will I still be me; will I still be Norman? Will my friends view me differently? Who am I, actually?

To be very honest, I have no answers to the questions myself. All I can do is to keep asking more questions and let time reveal the answers to me. I have no idea how I will perform at the race next Saturday. I have no idea how I want to race. I do not know what I will learn from this experience or how it will shape the way I decide about things in the future, but I guess for now I have to put my ego down and wake up to the fact that probably the best I can do there is to complete the race.

I am sorry to all who has put your faith in me.